Ya no puedo (I no longer can)

I no longer can. I no longer can carry the weight of impossible dreams of future education left behind to cross the border for need of money. I no longer can wrap my mind around the story of one of the women in our shelter who was kidnapped by coyotes and taken to a hotel without light or water. Now, she cannot sleep without the lights on. She has 3 US citizen children in Houston. I simply cannot resolve the situation of two migrants who just want to return to their families but were robbed and do not have the money. Or a husband and a wife who were also kidnapped by coyotes and robbed of 10,000 pesos. Ya no puedo ayudar.

And because of that, I cry. If I said in my last entry that I laugh more than I do at Georgetown it is only fair to also say that I cry more as well. I cry for the limits and restrictions that poverty imposes. I cry for the youth that is lost in homes and in the desert. I cry for some teenagers whose parents pressure them, almost force them, to migrate. I cry because I love them and I cannot help them – I can only say an endless series of goodbyes. I can only say “Cuídate” y “que Dios te bendiga.”

And I have not even been here for two weeks. How can I live this way for 4 months? I do not want to cry every night. But neither do I want to hear the stories with any less love and caring.

As I enter more deeply into my experience here at Nogales, I also enter more deeply into God’s love. Because if I love them then how much more does God love them? If I feel their pain then how much more did Jesus suffer? If I can only do a little, how much more can God do?

And so God opens my eyes and my heart to understand his powerful love.

Ephesians 3:14-21

“For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.”

1 John 4:16-19

“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.”

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4 Responses to Ya no puedo (I no longer can)

  1. Jess says:

    Si se puede. You can. Love you and miss you!

  2. spanaram says:

    I was once told that tears are a gift from God. I do believe this to be true. When we cry, whether in sadness or happiness, we become more real. As you mention, in this post, crying is one way God opens your eyes. In this way, God helps you see more fully and love more compassionately. Tears are good.

    Here’s a line from Psalm 56:8 related to tears:
    “You have seen me tossing and turning through the night. You have collected all my tears and preserved them in Your bottle! You have recorded every one in Your book.”

    Praying for you always.

  3. Jordan says:

    Joanna,
    Your ability to enter into the suffering of others is the one thing I have always admired most about you. My prayers are with you and remember that you’re doing exactly what Jesus asks of all of us: to walk compassionately among those who suffer.

  4. Pingback: El miedo (Fear) | From la frontera

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